A week ago my husband was in a freak accident and my KIA ended up totaled. If that wasn’t bad enough the next day I found out one of my favorite humans on the planet, my baby cousin, (who was 32 btw) killed himself. When my husband showed me the text message I about hit the floor. I couldn’t believe that this man who had his demons but also had a huge heart was gone.
My husband had to catch me and hold me while I sobbed. My heart just shattered. I called my little sister and then went back downstairs to work and Wayne ended up calling my boss and explained what had happened and that I was not ok by any means and they signed me out and gave me the next day off.
He was worth getting help. He was worthy of healing himself, he just didn’t see it like that. We had a lot of really long talks and he helped me in my own recovery and reminded me how strong I was. I wish I could do the same for him. And what’s worse is that he didn’t leave a note or nothing so we are all stuck with the why of it all.
If you ever feel like you need to end your life, which I get because I’ve been there. Reach out for help. This pain that was left in his place is unlike anything I’ve ever known. He was so young and had such a big heart. My door was always open to him no matter what but he never saw the value in himself, and he never talked about his trauma or anything like that.
The difference between me and him was that I made friends with my demons and made damn sure that I was in control of my mental health and got clean. I saw my worth and went for it. As Jr told me once, I’m the queen of fucking everything and I deserved the world. But so did he.
He made me promise that I wouldn’t ever harm myself or try to kill myself again. And I intend to keep that promise, but I’m also so angry that he ended his life instead of reaching out. But I also understand that in that moment when you’re in your darkest spot in life, sometimes there is no reaching out.
I’ve been there, hopeless and at rock bottom. I’m so glad that I got help, because I now know the intimate pain of a family member you love committing suicide. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy on a good day. There are so many unanswered questions.
I love you Jr. I wish you would have reached out. I’m so sorry that you where in that much pain that you thought this was your only way out. I hope you’ve found peace. I miss you every day.